Brain Over Behavior: Change the Brain, Change the Behavior

Have you ever wondered why a child melts down over something as simple as the wrong color cup? Or why telling a toddler to "calm down" seems to have the opposite effect? The secret isn’t just in the behavior—it’s in the brain. When we shift our focus from simply correcting behavior to understanding what’s happening in a child’s developing brain, we unlock powerful ways to guide them toward emotional regulation, resilience, and growth.

The Developing Brain: A Work in Progress

Young children’s brains are like busy construction zones (though don’t kids just love those!)—always building, rewiring, and growing. The part responsible for big emotions (the amygdala) develops much earlier than the part responsible for logical thinking and impulse control (the prefrontal cortex). This means that when emotions run high, children are not being “bad” or “difficult”—they are experiencing something their brain is not yet fully equipped to handle, some of you adults are still experiencing this yourself 😉.

Connection Before Correction

When a child is upset, their brain moves into a “fight, flight, or freeze” state. In this moment, reasoning and discipline won’t be effective because their thinking brain isn’t fully online. Instead of saying, “Stop crying,” or “You know better,” try connecting first:

• Get down to their level – Eye contact and a calm presence make a child feel safe.

• Name their feelings – “You’re really frustrated that we have to leave the park, aren’t you?” (That’s actually why I love Alphabet Town: the abc’s of raising successful kids so much.  It helps to name those emotions. If you don’t have your copy – pick it up today!) 

• Offer comfort before correction – A hug, a gentle hand on their back, or a soothing tone helps bring their brain back to a calm state. This could require a bit of awareness on the part of the adult, as when our beloved little ones are stressed we are naturally stressed too.

Teaching Emotional Regulation

Instead of punishing outbursts, we can use them as opportunities to teach self-regulation skills. Some simple ways to help children develop emotional control include:

• Breathing Exercises – Teach them to take deep “bubble breaths” (slow inhales and long exhales like blowing a bubble).  I like to keep bubbles on hand so we can have them blow actual bubbles. 

• Calm-Down Spaces – Create a cozy corner with pillows, books, and sensory tools where they can go to reset.  Go to the fun resources section and look for my list of fun sensory tools you can create from things you already have on hand – Ms. Grandma Reads sensory guide.

• Label Emotions – Use words like “frustrated,” “disappointed,” or “overwhelmed” so children can learn to express their feelings instead of acting them out. You may just find a letter in Alphabet Town that will let you connce

The Power of Modeling

Children don’t just learn from what we say; they learn from what we do. If we want them to manage their emotions well, we need to model calm responses ourselves. When we make a mistake or get frustrated, saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, so I’m going to take a deep breath,” shows them how to regulate their own emotions.  Don’t be afraid to blow our own bubbles.  I’m a grandma and I still love to do it!

Small Changes, Big Impact

By focusing on the brain first, we create an environment where children feel safe, understood, and capable of growth. The next time a meltdown happens, remember: it’s not just about stopping the behavior—it’s about guiding a growing brain. With patience, connection, and the right tools, we can help children build lifelong emotional resilience, one moment at a time.

PARENTS let me talk to just you for a second.  Ms. Grandma sees you raising those kids so wonderfully. I am proud of you!