Friendship Foundations: Helping Children Grow Relationships that Last

Hello, my precious friends. Have you ever wondered how your children choose their friends?

Today, I want us to investigate the beginnings of friendships, in a child’s world. Children begin their journey into friendship long before they can say the word “friend” or understand what the word means. With children, friendship may begin with the toddler who offers a toy, the preschooler who wants to sit next to the same classmate every day, the kindergartener who feels heartache when left out of a game; these are the small but mighty beginnings of friendship or what we know as social connection.

As an early childhood specialist, I have seen how early friendships can shape not only the childhood years but the entire developmental path toward adulthood. When children learn to connect, they learn to belong. This sense of belonging is one of the deepest human needs.

There is a fascinating science within the word, friendship. A science we dare not neglect to grasp. Research warns us that friendships in early childhood are not just about children having playmates. Rather, these early connections with other children are the training ground for life-long social skills of empathy, communication, and resilience. We cannot and must not take these truths lightly if our children are to grow well.

A study from the University of Illinois (Ladd, 1990) found that children with strong early friendships exhibited better adjustment to school and social experiences, while dealing with less anxiety and social stress than those children who struggled with early social connections.

Another study through Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child explains that responsive relationships—whether with adults or peers—build the architecture of a child’s brain. Here it is again the connection between emotional-social health and the creation of the brain’s super highways. These emotional connections strengthen the neural pathways that support emotional regulation and problem-solving.

If this recognition were not enough, The American Psychological Association has highlighted how peer relationships during early years predict social competence, even decades later.

In other words, my precious friends, every game of tag, every whispered secret, every “I’ll be your partner” is laying the foundation for your child’s future relationships. Stop for just a moment. Look at your child. Ask yourself, what kind of relationships do you wish for them. Then, you will realize how serious your child’s “little friendships” really are.

Just as there is a science to friendship, there is also a predictable pattern as to how friendship grows with age.

Children, ages 1 to 3 years, engage in what we call Parallel Play. This means that children play side by side or next to other children but NOT with other children. At this stage, sharing a toy for even a minute is a huge first step.

Preschoolers, or children 3 to 5 years old, begin to experience Pretend Play like an explosion. They begin to negotiate roles by saying, “You be the doctor, I’ll be the patient.” This back-and-forth communication builds empathy for others and begins to help children see the world of others.

In Early Elementary (5–8 years), friendships become more stable. Children start to care about loyalty, fairness, and being included. This is when “best friend” feelings begin, along with the heartache of being left out. If you can remember that pain of being left out, even now, then you realize how necessary it is for us to take these pains seriously.

By knowing what is typical at each age, you are better able to guide your child, without expecting too much, too little, or too soon.

A Story from My Work with Families

Let me share a story from my classroom days. I had a little boy named Jason. Jason was a quiet child and struggled to join in play with others. He wanted friends, but he did not know how to enter the group. One day, instead of waiting for an invitation to play in the Block Center, he just plopped himself down and knocked over part of the tower, two other children had built.

You know what happened. The children thought Jason had knocked their tower over on purpose and they were mad. Jason was about to cry. He just wanted to be a part of them. Of course, he had not meant to knock down the blocks.

What was a disaster was an open door. Sitting on the floor, next to Jason, I guided him to say, “I didn’t mean to knock down the blocks, I will help you build the tower high, ok?” I encouraged the other children to say yes by promising to get the yard stick to measure how high a tower they could build, as friends.

It may have been a small shift, but a powerful one. Soon, Jason was not only included, but he began to lead in that group’s creations.

You see, friendships do not form by accident. They must be practiced, nurtured, and supported by caring adults who coach children through the rough edges and tough times.

The Hard Parts of Friendship

Dear friends, I wish I could tell you that the concept of friendship happens easily and naturally. Unfortunately, neither is true! There are hard parts to friendship. Friendship is not all laughter and holding hands. There are tears and real hurt from other children.

I cannot tell you the pain your own heart will feel when you must watch your children’s face being left out. This is devastating to a young child. YOU MUST remind them that friendships can grow and change, and tomorrow often brings new chances and better times.

You will watch your child struggle with jealousy when their “best” friend rejects them to  play with someone else. Children may feel replaced and unwanted.

YOU MUST help them put words to the feeling: “You feel sad because you wanted more time together. “You must acknowledge their real feelings but always leave them with hope.

One of the hardest parts of friendship is having to say goodbye. Families move; schools change. Through these moments and pain, teach your child that love, and memories stay with us and travel with those we care about who must leave.

When parents guide children through these hard and hurtful paths of friendship, resilience grows alongside connection. Nothing could be healthier.

Let us look at how you can support your child’s Friendship Foundations

Model Friendship. Let your child see you caring for your own friends, making a phone call, dropping off soup, or offering encouragement. Children learn from what they watch.

Teach the Words. Simple phrases like, “Can I play with you?” or “Do you want to share?” Use you “on-purpose words to give children the tools they need to approach others.

Coach Step by Step. I often share with parents to teach the Three Fingers of Friendship.

One, use your Pointer finger to say - NOTICE SOMEONE.

Two, use your Thumb pointed up to signify - SMILE.

Three, use your “baby” finger to ASK -“Want to play?” or “Can I play?”

It may seem silly, but these tiny steps lower the fear of rejection and give children a roadmap to connection.

Normalize Conflict. Friendships are not free of bumps. Teach your child that disagreements are part of relationships, and show them how to repair by saying, “I am sorry. Can we try again?”

Encourage Group Play. Arrange playdates, trips to the park, or neighborhood games. Give your child opportunities to practice friendship in different settings.

Celebrate Small Wins. When your child comes home and says, “I played with someone new today,” pause and celebrate. That victory matters. Please, do not miss the moment.

A Grandmother’s Gentle Reflection

Friendship is one of the greatest gifts of childhood. As parents, you cannot choose your child’s friends, but you can prepare their hearts and minds to be good friends themselves.

When your child learns to share, to listen, to forgive, and to laugh with others, they are laying the stones for a lifetime of meaningful relationships.

Parents, I see you raising those kids so wonderfully. I am proud of you. I really am.

Reflection Question for Parents and Children:

“Did you notice how Jason learned to make friends by asking, ‘Can I help you rebuild?’ What are some kind words or questions you could use to make a new friend this week? ‘Can I play with you?’ or ‘Do you want to sit together?’ Talk with your child about one way they can practice being a good friend tomorrow.”